untitled ramble.

Freeing.

Growing.

Grounding.

Imagining.

Those are the words that can describe my current state of mind, of body, of spirit.

For such a long time, I thought my voice was gone. I didn’t know that it was just sitting waiting for me to pick her up. Waiting for me to return to her. Waiting for her to be safe once more.

Time changed but she stood still. Collecting information to be ready to be used again.

So much time spent letting my mind do the heavy lifting of things that only my body could feel. So much time allowing me to make decisions that only my body should have been the spearhead for.

For such a long time, I’ve been so disconnected with who I truly am. Having that glimpse of home to come back to has me craving it again. I thought for a while all I needed to do was change my mindset because that’s all what we’re taught to get the things that we desire but really? its not.

I think back on when my life was only in a state of feeling. Only when I could feel my way through everything, my life changed in ways that were unimaginable. I didn’t realize though, that I’d been slow dosing on manipulation tactics for way longer than I could discern. From the people in my life, be it kin or no kin. Shaping and molding me to who they needed me to be. I got to a point of feeling “too much” and then decided that logic would keep me from getting my heartbroken and then fast forward to being the only person in my world suffering from mental health issues because my mind controlled everything and the reality around me.

But here I am, returning to the only me I’ve ever been deeply connected to. The me that led with the heart. That walked with my intuition. That shared love because it was the most potent thing I possessed.

This walk home back into my body is so personal to me. I didnt get realize how much I was making decisions at such a young age. I was never an exclusive overthinker. I felt my way through so much but I was making adult decisions before I even hit puberty. Puberty I just became reclusive and to myself. Always the lover of them all but never seated in my wholeness.

I’m in a season and a quest to return back to the ways thats most home to me. The feeler. The lover. The intuit. The Diviner. The healer. The medicine. The oil. Being so outside of that element really has taking me places that my soul truly no longer recognize whats staring back to me. So we become again.